It's completely impossible to find a girl that won't hurt me. So I'll instead go for the girl who will make the pain worthwhile

Friday, August 19, 2011

8/19/2011 03:04:00 PM

Sometimes things are just like this.. I'm not psychically tired, but mentally tired. And having this place to rant out my thoughts, I felt it's the best thing I can do to get things out from the bottom of my heart.

I guess this issue isn't gonna be about trust anymore. Only if she'll be able to put herself into my shoes, she'll know how heartbroken I am. To be avoided by someone whom u loved so much, and worse still, not knowing what's happening. If you don't voice out, u don't mention a single word to me and post funny stuff, isn't it logical for me to start having wild imaginations? I don't know your point of view for avoiding but if hiding can solve problems, then continue to hide.

Lately things hasn't exactly been a bed of roses for us, we've been quarreling so much more than usual. Just like what you said, it has somehow already turned into a daily routine, making us all sick and tired. Together with patience stretching thin, we're wearing thin.
When we argue, you'll walk away and I'll chase. Comparing you and my pride, you weigh so much more.. For an egoistic male like me to put down my pride to chase you, need I say more?
And because of both of us having this pride and ego ingoring each other waiting for the other party to kick off the ball with a text message, look how things are the way now?

Your answer came as a shock to me. Maybe that's why I was upset. I guess I expected a little more reaction out of you. Not entirely a huge hooha, but maybe just a little bit more.. How about putting yourself in my shoes? Maybe you'll see it the way I did.

I was angry. Angry because you've finally made your decision. When you told me about your decision, it was something that I couldn't believe. It seemed.. surreal. Because throughout everything that I've been through for the past 8 months, you've been there throughout it all. You've proved to me time and time again about the things you've said, and that you really meant them. But above all these rage and anger, I felt something else.

I was disappointed. Disappointed through and through. Disappointed because you never had the courage to tell me face front, nor did you ever replied back when I asked for an answer. Just an answer, that was all I asked for. It's hard to believe what a state we are in now, considering the fact that we used to do anything and everything together, the fact that we could be totally open with each other and not bother about what the opposite party would think; much less the world.

They say "Be strong because days will get better. It might pour hard but it won't rain forever." And like always, I've rebounded and here I am, better than ever, moving on with my own life, doing my own things. But then again, there are days that I think back and I can't help but to feel so.. unjustified. Feels like this wasn't fair in the first place, when did I even get a chance to fight for what was mine?

It really sucks when you miss that person so much that you look through the old photos, old text messages, even old statuses. And it brings a smile to your face, but then the hurt comes back and you know you shouldn't be looking back, but you couldn't help it because they really meant something to you and you thought it would lasted.

Looking back doesn't mean that I still need you. I miss you, I miss having you in my life, I miss having someone like you to talk to - irregardless of the topic. I miss you, the old you. But above all of these, guess what? I'm stronger now, I'm more independent ever since the day you've made up your mind and the day that I knew priorities had changed. Because of this, I swore to myself that I'd never let anything like this happen again.

I guess giving each other time isn't the priority anymore. If I give you time, who will give it to me? Considering the fact that I'm starting work soon, I cannot be distracted, I cannot be self-centered, I cannot be a loser. I had gave you much more time for yourself. How about giving me time and an answer now?

And after all that I've said;

I give a fuck, I give LOTS OF FUCK.

taikib0i

7/18/2011 12:25:00 AM

Sounds meaningful..

Life's been good since I came out. 5 days was a hell inside. But nevertheless, I've finally managed to sort out everything. Since she wants it that way, fine. I'm tired. Don't want to even be friends? It's okay. I got tons myself. I'll move on. (:

taikib0i

7/18/2011 12:21:00 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoAP6fHtpg0&playnext=1&list=PL81DE1B5CA311F654

taikib0i

7/11/2011 02:52:00 PM

idk if she'll be angry for hiding this from her, but I guess she won't be, as she already state clearly on her point of view. But this time, haha, i'm really gonna be gone for good. How long, I'm not sure.. But I guess it wouldn't be long if I come out..
Probably a few weeks, few months, but I hope it's just a few days! ahahaha!!

It's hard just to give up like this, but I realised I got no choices as well. If I don't, she'll continue to ingore me. And I guess, I've really done enough.
Love is not something we can just give up like this, yes in the mind, but not from the heart. Makes sense? If u love someone, he'll always be the person u think of somehow or rather. hahaha, but I hope when she's alone, she'll really take care of herself.
Guys out there, everyone wears a mask, I hope she'll be smart enough, to listen to me, keep to the promises she made to me, and perhaps when she's feeling all better, I want to stand a chance to be one of e candidates to woo her too. And I know, I can do it. hahaha.. But for now, I guess we'll just be friends..

Getting charged, I guess is something not I wanted. I did nothing wrong in fact, was being sabotaged in my armoury and as an IC, i need to take responsiblity. wtf? just when I was about to complete my NS. zzz. There's nth much I can do. I just want to see her happy for now, keep to her promises she made, and live on.

Be it guys that woo her, I hope she can really draw the line and tell them off, sorry im unavailable! hahaha, i'll be happy though. I believe if fate wants us to be together, we'll still be, as long as our hearts doesn't die..

goodbye! (:

taikib0i

7/10/2011 02:59:00 AM

Sometimes, I just don't understand. I don't understand how she can work against her heart, her feelings. Unless she's lying to me? Otherwise I don't really know why.

She claims she still loves me, she said my answer was correct.. This is what I wrote if I didn't forget.

" Boy, I still love you, continue to hang on for the time being alright? Not now, I got lots of commitments, I got no time for you. But if u hang on, I'll definitely come back to you. Just that it's not now alright? "

If she claims this is correct, why treat me with such cruelty so much so that I feel so painful everyday? I just don't understand. I can see she still cares for me. But why is she ingoring me until the extent that sometimes I even got to BEG her just to meet her for 5 pathetic minutes? Why Why Why?!

Idk wads her relationship with that daniel guy. But there's something I'm sure of, which is they're chatting happily almost every night. She said she's busy with her projects, she watching videos. But why can she chat with him, and not even replying me a single message? Nevertheless, I still trust her. I hope she can draw the line clearly.. So much so that if all these guys are wooing her, they'll just be clear they'll only be friends to her.

But there's definitely something I can't deny, I'm getting tired, tired of all the princess attitudes. I don't mind her being like this, but it's just that.... It's getting too much. Too much so that it hurts so much, that I sob every night, roll lots of tears, for something that's ingoring me, not even a single word of concern. Yes, she have her own set of problems, but why can't she just handle things maturely sometimes? Keeping me hanging in e air, feeling all the pain..

Commitments? school? projects? homework? cca? No time for me? Stress over her own family issues?

Why can't she look things at another way? If I come into her life, can I be part of removing the stress, helping her with her allowances, with her family issues, lightening all the stress and burden she had, showering her with love. Rather than thinking I'm actually nothing but a piece of shit and trouble to her? Why can't she change a little of her thinking?
Humans always tend to think on the bad side, I guess there's nothing I can do.

If it's really my fault from the start, Seriously, u've punished me enough. U've tortured me enough. It's time for you to stop if u still love me, u're hurting me too much. At least give me some peace and happiness, some assurance. That's all I need.

Because, I'm seriously... tired.

taikib0i

6/26/2011 08:10:00 PM

If you're reading this now, perhaps I think I still have a little space in your heart. You still bother with how I feel perhaps? Idk. I'm left with the last 5 days before I'm flying off, somehow or rather, I really wish to see u, but ur lies kept u too busy to even meet me for a second. I had a last wish, and I hope it'll come true..

taikib0i

12/13/2010 07:14:00 PM

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

taikib0i